Royal Flush
Mike : You know, we haven’t worked in a month!
Peter : Gee, it seems more like four weeks.
Davy: Come on man, we got to do something. She's got my jacket!
Voice on telephone: Hello?
Sigmund: Hello. The streetcar is going up the hill.
Voice on telephone: The fox has stolen a chicken.
Sigmund: The onions ripen in the spring.
Voice on telephone: Especially when it is raining.
[pause]
Voice on telephone: Hello?
Sigmund: Especially when it's raining? What number is this please?
Voice on telephone: 0958618
Sigmund: Ooh. I must have dialed wrong number. Sorry!
Interviewer: Mike, what did you think of the show you just did?
Mike: I thought it was one minute short.
Micky : Davy, stand up, show them how tell you are!
Davy : I am standing up!
Monkee See, Monkee Die
Mike : It’s a little gloomy, but, uh… we could probably work wonders with a few geraniums.
Micky : Uh huh, you decorate—I’m leaving!
Mike : Wanna read my palm?
Micky : Nah, I’ll wait ’til they make it into a movie.
Micky : He’s in love.
Mike : Yeah, for the very first time today.
(gun shots are heard)
Davy: Hey, what was that?
Mike: (sleepy) It was just a car… just a car back… backfiring.
Davy: Car backfiring?
Mike: Mmm, hmm.
Davy: Well, where did it come from?
Mike: The next room.
Davy: (laying back down) Oh!
(all four Monkees sit up in panic)
Davy: The next room!
(a pigeon lands on the windowsill)
Mike: Now then, let's see. All we gotta do is strap a message to its leg and we…um, there's already a message here strapped to its leg.
Peter: What does it say?
Mike: It says, 'Please don't strap a message to my leg. I am not a carrier pigeon.'
Mike: Now, see, all we have to do is, uh, is, uh, put a message around his neck and we can get him to del…um, he's already got a message around his neck.
Davy: Hey, what does it say?
Mike: (opens the note) 'There is a message for you on the pigeon.'
Peter : Someone turned on the dark!
Monkee Vs. Machine
Computer: Name, please.
Peter: bewildered What?
Computer: Thank you. Last name, What. And what is your first name, Mr. What?
Peter: It's not "What"!
Computer: Mr. Notwhat What.
Peter: Wait a minute! That's not my name at all! My name is …
Computer: And what is your occupation?
Peter: … "Peter"! You dig? Pete!
Computer: You dig peat. Occupation: peat digger.
Peter: shakes his head in despair
Computer: What is your mother's maiden name?
Peter: Thompson.
Computer: Sex?
Peter: Female, of course!
Computer: Alright, Mrs. Notwhat.
Peter: No, my mother is female!
Computer: What do you do in your spare time, Mrs. Notwhat?
Peter: desperate Listen, I'm a MAN!
Computer: In your spare time, you are a man.
Peter: No, no, that's not it at all. First of all, you've got my name wrong…
Computer: Name is misspelled. Please give correct letter.
Peter: Well, I …
Computer: Correct letter is "I." Name is not "Notwhat", but "Nitwit."
Peter: overwhelmed Oh, brother!
Computer: Brother is also a nitwit.
Peter: indignant Now just a minute…!
Computer: That will do, Nitwit. Test complete. Interview ended. Application rejected.
Micky : My mommy won’t let me play with toys that burn, or bash, or scratch, or go boom.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers
Waitress : May I take your order now?
Micky : Oh, nothing for us, thanks, we just came in here to get our clothes ripped off.
Micky : Careful! I may never play the guitar again!
Davy : But you’re the drummer.
Micky : Oh, that’s right, okay, go ahead.
Micky : I’m gonna be a star!
Nick: Don't you want to be famous? The ideal of millions?
Davy: No, we just want to be revered by a small minority.
Nick: A small minority?
Micky: (as Groucho Marx) Small minority, small minority...ha, ha...like a tribe of African Pigmies. Get it? Pigmies...ha,ha, hum, small minority.
The Spy Who Came in from the Cool
Davy : Mike, I just saw a fella talking to a popsicle.
Mike : Oh, yeah? Let me know if the popsicle talks back.
Micky : This cufflink contains a miniature tape recorder.
Peter : If I wear two of them can I record in stereo?
Micky: Yes. It also contains a pill. In the event your being tortured, beyond endurance, you can swallow this pill. Tell me what it does, Jones.
Davy: Within thirty seconds, your breath is kissing sweet?
Agent Honeywell: How do you feel about demonstrations?
Peter: They're the only way to sell a vacuum cleaner.
Madame Olinsky : I grow impatient!
Peter : I grow daffodils!
Success Story
Davy : Peter, as my devoted houseboy, what will be your main function?
Peter : I am born to serve my master, and live only to perform his bidding.
Davy : Right, now get me my comb!
Peter : Get it yourself.
Peter : We could only afford one serving, yours is rubber!
Davy : But I’ll starve! …is the fruit rubber?
Peter : No…
[Davy takes a bite of the apple]
Peter : …it’s plastic.
Micky : You haven’t selected your seat! Yes, ah, do you have any preferences?
Grandfather : No, no, anywhere!
Micky : Well I’ll give you 10A, that’s over the wing…
Grandfather : Fine!
Micky : …of course a lot of people would rather sit inside the plane! Ahaha!
Peter: Don't fly! If you get too close to the sun, your wings will melt!
Monkees in a Ghost Town
Peter : First we got lost and run out of gas, then Mike and Davy disappear, and then somebody starts shooting off with a machine gun. And now this guy is searching the town.
Micky : That’s for the benefit of any of you who’ve tuned in late. Now back to our story!
Mike : First we’ll escape, then we’ll play baseball.
Peter: Cross at the green, not in between.
Davy: He's been out in the sun too long
Micky: He was no bargain in the shade.
Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Mike : Davy, you and Peter go hide in the bedroom.
Davy : He already knows about us, it’s the horse we’ve got to hide.
Mike : Hi, I’m the fella that called before.
Dr. Mann : Where’s the monkey?
Mike : Oh, I’m the Monkee.
Dr. Mann : You’re the monkey? You don’t need a vet, young man, you need a psychiatrist!
Mike : No, wait a minute, you don’t, you don’t understand. I’m not a real monkey, I’m the kind of Monkee that sings!
Mike : C’mon, we gotta go plow the cow…
Micky : Something about… I don’t… I’m supposed to milk the chickens…
Peter : I think we have to feed the south 40…
Davy : Feed the chickens to the cows…
Farmer Fisher : [hands Micky a bucket] Go milk the cow. See that you fill this.
Micky : Boy, that just proves how far out in the country we are!
Farmer Fisher : What do you mean?
Micky : The milkman doesn’t even deliver here!
The Chaperone
Peter : C’mon Davy, quit fooling around! What TV show was she watching?
Micky : Ours, I hope.
General Vandenberg : You know, I can’t help thinking I know you from someplace…
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : …have you ever been to Palm Beach?
General Vandenberg : Yes!
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : Is it nice?
General Vandenberg : Where’s she going?
Mike : I give up, where?
Davy: Hey, Micky. You're lovely.
Mr. Babbit : So, tell me, how do you like this apartment? You know, I could kick the boys out…
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : Oh, I couldn’t stand living in a place like this… and you really wouldn’t wanna do that to the boys, why, they think the world of you! Why, they were just talking about you before you came in!
Mr. Babbit : Really?
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : Yes… what’s a blood sucker?
Here Come The Monkees (The Pilot)
Mike : Okay, so what do you wanna do?
Davy : I wanna help her.
Micky : Sure you wanna help, I wanna help Peter too, but I can’t, he’s a bird brain.
Micky : Hi, uh tonight, we’re a minute short, as usual, so we’re going to show you two spontaneous, unrehearsed, screen tests that were done of Mike and Davy before The Monkees, we started filming, before we, like, knew what all was gonna happen, these were two screen tests that we did and they’re in black and white so don’t worry, the colour is okay… [to Peter] what do you talk so much for?
Monkees A La Carte
Davy : I’m telling you, that guy’s tough! He even wears a pinstripe suit!
Micky : What’s so tough about that?
Davy : It’s got real pins in it.
Peter : What did I do?
Mike : I don’t know, man, but don’t do it again!
Micky : Pick a number between one and ten.
Mike : 14.
I've Got a Little Song Here
Mike : It says “Congratulations, because of your unusual taste and achievements, you’ve been selected for this exclusive offer.”
Micky : That’s for you, Mike?
Mike : Well, yeah, it’s “Dear Occupant”.
Micky : In 1952, all America was humming this never-to-be-forgotten hit! …what was the name of that hit?
Bernie Class : How old are you?
Mike : 21.
Bernie Class : When I was your age, I was 22!
Mike : Hello, Mr. Conway? This is Mike Nesmith… a no, Mike Nesmith… Nesmith… yeah, well, you probably don’t remember me, we met on a bus about five years ago…
Davy : Hey, man, will you remember us when you’re rich and famous?
Mike : Oh, you know I will, Danny.
Davy : David!
Mike : Does the name Mike Nesmith mean anything to you?
Joannie Jans : Uh… no… it’s only a rumour… we’re just good friends…
One Man Shy
Ronnie Farnsworth : You, uh, really get a big kick outta yourself, don’tcha?
Mike : Yeah, well, I’m all I have.
Ronnie Farnsworth : That’s too bad.
Micky : You do and I’ll be sorry!
Micky : Didn’t anybody ever have a crush on you or nothin’?
Peter : I once got some threatening valentines.
Peter : I read an interesting music about books and politics…
Ronnie Farnsworth : They're just fifth-rate musicians!
Micky : Third-rate musicians!
Dance, Monkee, Dance
Miss Buntwell : Now look, hun, all I need is your name, all right?
Peter : …could you give me a hint?
Mike : It’s a lifetime… contract.
Davy and Micky : Lifetime!?
Mike : Yeah… and it’s… with an option for renewal.
Mike : Well, I see now, you can’t send a boy to do a man’s boj… uh, uh… job… badge… you can’t send a boy…
Micky : Hey, that little guy looks just like Davy!
Peter : It is Davy.
Micky : We gonna do this every lesson?
Davy : You must be joking! You know how much it costs for those sets and costumes?
Mike : You don’t realize it, but I can’t sleep at night, I can’t eat, I can’t drink!
Miss Buntwell : Why not?
Mike : ’Cause I don’t have no money.
Dancing Smoothie : We know every dance in the book.
Mike : Do you know the mugoomba?
Dancing Smoothie : No, how does that go?
Mike : Well, first you raise your right arm… and then you raise you left arm… okay…
Monkees : This is a stick-up!
Too Many Girls
Davy : Do you care for a spot of tea?
Micky : I’d rather have the whole cup.
Mrs. Badderly : I see that within twenty-four hours you’re going to meet a girl and fall in love.
Mike : Oh, yeah, well, he does that everyday.
Davy : I know why ’es doin’ it. It’s ’cause I’m short, that’s why! I’m short.
Davy : My name’s David Jones, and… I think I love you.
Micky : I wanna tell you about my family, now, take my wife. Please, take my wife!
Son of a Gypsy
Peter : The woods are just so beautiful…!
Micky : Yeah, famous last words.
Peter : Whose?
Mike, Micky, and Davy : Little Red Riding Hood.
Maria : We are all thieves at heart!
Davy : Where did she get that idea?
Mike : She stole it!
Davy : It’s okay, you can stand up now.
Micky, Peter, and Mike : …we are standing up!
Micky : Alright, stick ’em up!
Mike : Help, help. Help. Robbery. Who is this masked man, anyway? Help, help. Gun. Oh, terror, terror, burglar. Burglar, help. Help, help. Wallet, mine… his now.
Micky : Hey, I don’t like the way that guard’s acting.
Davy : What are you, a talent scout or something?
The Case of the Missing Monkee
Dr. Marcovich : He knows too much!
Peter : Thank you!
Davy : We were just trying to help you, you know.
Peter : That’s alright, Micky.
Davy : …Micky! He knows me! He knows me!… No… I’m Davy…
Mike : Peter, you stay here and play dumb.
Peter : Why am I always the one to play dumb? Why can’t I play smart once in awhile?
I Was a Teenage Monster
Micky : Boy fellas, it’s really amazing to think that a monster was created in this very laboratory!
Mike : AHHHH!
Micky : What’s the matter?
Mike : You almost dropped his mother!
Micky : Now how does it look?
Mike : It’s looks like a long haired, near sighted monster with a guitar.
Mike : I think $200’s not gonna do us any good if we’re dead.
Micky : No, man, we should’ve asked for $250.
The Audition (Find the Monkees)
Peter : Boy, it’s not fair! We’re as bad as any other group in town!
Micky : Oh, Peter, please tell me it isn’t the hiccups!
Peter : It isn’t the [hic] hiccups.
Mike : He’s gone!
Micky and Davy : He’s gone!
Monkees in the Ring
Joey Sholto : You’re a good boy, and I like a good boy.
Davy : Oh, thank you very much, can I have a cookie?
Micky : Think of your hands… your beautiful hands! You’ll never play the violin again!
Davy : But I don’t play the violin!
Micky : You could learn.
Mike : Ha ha… he could learn! Ha… ha…
Micky : Hey, what do you get out of this, Shylock--
Mike : Sholto!
Micky :—Sholto?
Joey Sholto : Just a small piece of Davy’s purse.
Peter : He doesn’t carry a purse, he carries a wallet!
Joey Sholto : Do you know the thing closest to my heart?
Mike, Micky, and Peter : Your lungs.
Reporter : Davy, is it true you call your mother every time you win a fight?
Davy : Yeah, that’s right.
Reporter : What do you do if the opponent wins?
Davy : I call his mother.
The Prince and the Pauper
Davy : What are you doing in America?
Prince Ludlow : I’ve come to your country to try and find a bride. Under the terms of my nation’s constitution, if I’m still unwed by my eighteenth birthday, my throne passes to Count Myron.
Davy : That sounds crazy to me!
Prince Ludlow : I know, that’s what I told the producers.
Micky : Oh, really, girls find him very sweet.
Peter : He makes their teeth decay.
Davy (as Prince Ludlow) : Miss Forsythe, uh, Wendy… will you marry me?
Mike : Ooh, that’s fast!
Davy (as Prince Ludlow) : Shut up.
Wendy Forsythe : Oh, Ludlow! I’m so happy! There’s no one in the world like you!
Mike : I wouldn’t be too sure about that…
Davy (as Prince Ludlow) : Shut up.
Mike : Well, I’ll tell ya Davy, y’know, there was a wise old man lived about five thousand years ago, name was Ling Voo Yang, and he once said, he said, “if apple seed turns to wing, it’ll fly away a beautiful butterfly. But if a butterfly turns into an apple seed, it’ll just lay there on the ground.” That’s what Ling Voo Yang said five thousand years ago.
Davy : Oh really? What does that mean?
Mike : I just don’t have any idea.
Monkees at the Circus
Peter : Well, why don’t we just snick inside and take a look?
Mike : Snick? It’s not “snick”, it’s “sneak”! I sneak, and you sneak, and we sneak…
Peter : Oh, good, then we can all get in!
Micky : You do and I’ll be sorry!
Victor : You’re amazing.
Davy : No, ’e’s ahmazing, I’m incredibull.
Victor : You come all the way from France?
Davy : It was on the way.
Peter : We were headed to Belgium.
Susan : What are you going to do? Tonight’s a sell out! The whole town’ll be here!
Micky : Well, for our first act, we could get out of town! A ha ha… joke, little joke, get it? Little joke, about that big…
Captain Crocodile
Junior Pinter : You think I’m short?
Mike : Well, uh, no, where’d you get that idea?
Junior Pinter : From the people who are taller than I am.
Davy : Y’know, I think he’s quite tall meself.
Micky : You would.
Mike : Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Mike Nesmith. And on my left is the delightful and charming personality, David Jones.
Davy : Thank you Mike.
Mike : No sweat.
Davy : And on my left is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.
Peter : Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful is the left moderator Micky Dolenz…?
Mike : My name is David Jones.
Davy : My name is David Jones.
Peter : My name is David Jones.
Micky : Will the real David Jones please stand up?
Davy : …I am standing up!
Peter : Kretch?
Davy (as Ruben the Tadpole) : Holy frogs legs! That really makes me mad!
J.J. Pontoon : Now, before The Monkees were on did your grandchildren ever watch the show?
Mike (as Janitor) : Oh, no, no, I seen it once, I ’member seeing it well, I watched it for about five minutes, then I thought to myself, “why am I sitting here watching this show when I could be out cleaning garbage cans?”
Monkees A La Mode
Mike : Some fashion magazine, says here, “neck lines are plunging lower every year, this year the V will go down to the tummy in something of a ‘peek-a-boo’ effect. Get into the swing of fashions and have your own ‘naval observatory’.”
Davy : You must be joking.
Mike : You’re right, I am, it doesn’t say that at all.
Davy : Eh, eh, listen to this: “Why not take lil’ metal bottle tops and nail them to your living room floor. It gives you the impression that you are walking upon… lil’… metal… bottle tops…”?
Toby Willis : You see, what we wanna do is show what you are, and the way you live.
Davy : What? You wanna get us arrested?
Rob Roy Fingerhead : You like living here?
Peter : Very much.
Rob Roy Fingerhead : Then why are you looking so pained?
Peter : ’Cause you’re standing on my hand!
Assistant #2 : Tell me, Mr. Jones, what do you look for in a girl?
Davy : Well, um, uh, it all depends what I’ve lost!
Alias Micky Dolenz
Police Captain : Take a look at that face.
[Captain shows picture of Babyface]
Micky : Yuuuuck!
Mike : Oh, ugly! Oh that guy is ugly!
Police Captain : You know who that is?
Micky : Well, whoever he is, he’s a sneaky, vicious, mean type looking person!
Mike : Vicious, sneaky… ew!
[Captain shows Micky a mirror]
Micky : Why… that, that’s me! That honest looking, handsome face guy is me!
Babyface : First I, uh, grab ’em by the shirt… then I look ’em in the eye… then I say, uh… so’s your old man.
Micky : So’s your old man.
Babyface : Get lost.
Micky : Get lost.
Babyface : Eh, you’re pretty good.
Micky : Eh, you’re pretty good.
Babyface : Okay, okay.
Micky : Okay, okay.
Babyface : Shut up! You got it already!
Tony Ferano : Didn’t they spot you with their search lights?
Micky (as Babyface) : Nah, fixed it so their search lights was useless.
Vince : How did you do that?
Micky (as Babyface) : Busted out in the daytime.
Micky : Gosharooney!
Interviewer : Hey, Davy, tell me more about the pressure that builds up at the end of a day.
Davy : Well, everybody’s tired and they get irritable, y’know? And everybody starts gettin’ mad and y’know, everybody wants to go home, man, it’s a drag, sittin’ here talkin’ to you!
Monkee Chow Mein
Peter : If they kidnap me tonight and kill me, I want you to have my new sport jacket.
Davy : Oh, Peter, will you stop that? They’re never gonna kill ya, do you understand? Nothing’s gonna happen to ya. C’mon… Eh, what colour’s your new sport jacket?
Dragonman : You fool! Once again, you have brought me wrong man!
Micky : You fool! You’ve again brought him the wrong one. Bye.
Agent : In our business, secrecy is our most important weapon! Utter secrecy!
Mike, Peter, Davy : Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy…
Agent : What are you doing?
Mike : Uttering secrecy.
Mike : You serve crabs?
Chang : We serve anybody!
Dragonman : You expect me to believe you make money singing like that?
Micky : I didn’t say we made money, I said we sing.
Mike: You're ugly. You're an ugly person. Ugly..ugly..ooh are you ugly. Nobody likes you, least of all me.
Mike: "You know, I never realized you could get so hungry saving your country."
Davy: "I'm from England and I'm hungry."
Monkee Mother
Millie Rudnick : …and food should not be eaten with the fingers.
Mike : Umm, the fingers should be eaten separately.
Mike : Look, she’s a terror!
Micky, Peter, and Davy : Right!
Mike : She’s gotta be stopped!
Micky, Peter, and Davy : Right!
Mike : Well, somebody’s gotta tell her!
Micky, Peter, and Davy : Right!
Mike : Well, who’s gonna tell her?
Micky, Peter, and Davy : You!
Micky : My arms, I can’t move my arms.
Mike : I can’t move your arms either.
Millie Rudnick : Look what I got! I found her at the supermarket!
[shows them Clarice]
Peter : I don’t know where we’re gonna put her, there’s no room in the refrigerator.
Millie Rudnick : Davy, Clarice is English and she’s not married yet.
Davy : Well, it’s only two o’clock in the afternoon, she’s still got time.
Clarice Rawlings : Do you really know Rex Harrison?
Davy : No.
Clarice Rawlings : Actually, I don’t care.
Davy : I’m no good for you, you know.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : Terrible temper.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : I wander.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : Cruel, too.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : I love you Clarice!
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Monkees on the Line
Mike : Okay, fine, I got the number of this answering service out of the phone book, and we’ll just call ’em up… I mean, you never know how many new things are gonna open up for you when there’s somebody always there to answer your phone. You can get jobs… and millions of things… there’s always somebody there, morning, noon, and night… twenty-four hours a day, they’re right there on the job and never fail.
Micky : …well?
Mike : Well, it’s… there’s no answer.
Mrs. Drehdal : Which one of you is on the first shift?
Various Monkees : Me! Me! I’ll do it!
Mike : Hold it! Wait a minute! Let’s, uh, decide this democratically.
Peter : We’ll choose fingers.
Mike : Yes, I choose that one… ooh! I won! That means that I’ve got the city in my fingertips!
Peter : How come Mike always wins?
Micky : He has six fingers on that hand.
Mike : There’s a bed in the wall!
Mike : In there! She’s in there!
Micky : She must be awful skinny!
Mike : Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where’s my hat? Can I have my hat, please? Hat, please! Thank you, babe!
Micky : Where’d you get that?
Mike : From the wardrobe!
Micky : Peter’s missing!
Mike : Missing? Did you look on the piano?
Micky : What’d he say?
Davy : He said “did you look on the piano?”.
Micky : [to Davy] There’s no piano here!
Davy : [to Mike] There’s no piano here!
Mike : Oh, well then that’s why he’s missing.
Micky : Hey, what happened to that girl?
Mike : Oh, well, through my clever manipulation of her heartstrings, and uh, my, masculinity, and my persuasiveness she--
Davy : Jumped out the window?
Mike : No! She promised she wouldn’t do anything until tomorrow.
Peter : Then she jumps out the window?
Monkees Get Out More Dirt
Mike : Um, I’m uh, gonna run down to the store and uh, buy some dog food!
Davy : Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait!
Mike : What what what?
Davy : We don’t have a dog.
Mike : Well, I’ll uh, run down to the store and pick up a dog ,too! Dogs are nice, y’know, you can pet ’em, and uh, love ’em, and take fleas off of ’em, and put fleas back on ’em and besides that, dogs play with cats, and… we don’t have a cat either… um, uh, bye!
April Conquest : I’m working on my doctor’s thesis.
Mike : Why can’t your doctor work on his own thesis?
Peter : Hey! Wait, wait! How do I get in if the door’s locked?
Micky : Peter, you can’t expect the writers to know everything! Improvise!
April Conquest : Don’t tell me, you’ve given up motorcycles?
Mike : Given ’em up? Hah, are you kidding? Of course I’ve given ’em up! Horrible! No, I, I’ve taken up skydiving.
April Conquest : …ooh!
Mike : You like that? Uh, but um, I’ve got one problem. You see, I’m afraid of airplanes. Oh, afraid, and I can’t dive in the sky, so I use my living room, and the parachute gets on the couch…
Davy : April is the cruelest month.
Monkees in Manhattan
Weatherwax : What I want to know is, is he really sick, or is it merely sham?
Micky : Of course he’s sick! He had sham when he was twelve years old.
Peter : How’s my heartbeat?
Micky : Fine, but the melody don’t make it.
Bronislaw Kolinovsky : No, I couldn’t do that, this is 304.
Mike : No it’s not, it’s five after ten!
Micky : Hey guys, look at this! It’s a song out of McKinley’s play.
Davy : Hey, let’s try it on for size.
Micky : …doesn’t fit.
Mike : No, E flat never was my colour.
Mike : There’s gotta be more than one person in New York who’s willing to produce a show that’s written by an unknown and directed by an unknown, and starring The Monkees…
Davy : My family dates back almost four hundred years, to the earliest rich people. This is H. L. Nesmith, he owns a small spread in southern Texas. Eh, what’s the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith?
Mike : Uh, Houston.
Mike : Hold it, hold it… I’ll straighten this out… how can we pay money we don’t have?
Interviewer : You’ve reached a certain amount of success, if that was suddenly like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
Peter : I’d go back to the Village and be a folk singer.
Interviewer : How ’bout you, Davy?
Davy : I’d go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer.
Interviewer : Mike?
Mike : I’d probably go burn the Village.
Mike : You are not! I’m uglier than you!
Davy : No, I’m the ugliest!
Mike : I’m the ugliest! It’s me, it’s me, it’s me!
Micky : Alright, I lose!
Mike : Why do I want a house?… Well, when it rains you get wet if you live in a parking lot!
Monkees at the Movies
Philo : Mr. Kramm gave you “Beach Party Honeymoon”.
Peter : You didn’t give it to us, we had to pay for it!
Mike : Yeah, it cost us eighty cents at the drive-in.
Philo : Well, it was worth it, wasn’t it?
Mike : Umm… you owe me sixty cents.
Mike : Oh, Davy, you drew the short straw.
Davy : That’s the story of my life.
Micky : A teenage failure! He’s made so many B-pictures, he’s getting fan mail from hornets!
Davy : Watch where you’re going, shorty!
Mike : You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Was get a Rolls Royce, and put little bitty tires on the front, and big slicks on the back, and put a pickup bed in the trunk, and all paint you know and stuff like that, and take the hood off of it an’ everything, paint a name on the back of it…
Interviewer : And drive where?
Mike : Drive where? Drive no place, drive it out on the freeway and give it a flat tire and stand there scratching your head.
Monkees on Tour
Mike : Every morning I get up about 7:30 and wander out into the yard. There I notice that several of my chickens is now laying on the ground, cold and stiff with their feet in the air. Could you tell me possibly what is wrong with them?
Micky : Mr. Kretchlow… Mr. Kretchlow… your chickens are dead.
Mike : Let me ask you, if you really found out that none of us could play a note, couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, would you hate us?
Girl : No.
Mike : No? Well, why is that?
Girl : Well, because you’re puttin’ people on pretty good.
Mike : And now, the world’s best lookin’ midget… David Jones!
Mike : You know, we haven’t worked in a month!
Peter : Gee, it seems more like four weeks.
Davy: Come on man, we got to do something. She's got my jacket!
Voice on telephone: Hello?
Sigmund: Hello. The streetcar is going up the hill.
Voice on telephone: The fox has stolen a chicken.
Sigmund: The onions ripen in the spring.
Voice on telephone: Especially when it is raining.
[pause]
Voice on telephone: Hello?
Sigmund: Especially when it's raining? What number is this please?
Voice on telephone: 0958618
Sigmund: Ooh. I must have dialed wrong number. Sorry!
Interviewer: Mike, what did you think of the show you just did?
Mike: I thought it was one minute short.
Micky : Davy, stand up, show them how tell you are!
Davy : I am standing up!
Monkee See, Monkee Die
Mike : It’s a little gloomy, but, uh… we could probably work wonders with a few geraniums.
Micky : Uh huh, you decorate—I’m leaving!
Mike : Wanna read my palm?
Micky : Nah, I’ll wait ’til they make it into a movie.
Micky : He’s in love.
Mike : Yeah, for the very first time today.
(gun shots are heard)
Davy: Hey, what was that?
Mike: (sleepy) It was just a car… just a car back… backfiring.
Davy: Car backfiring?
Mike: Mmm, hmm.
Davy: Well, where did it come from?
Mike: The next room.
Davy: (laying back down) Oh!
(all four Monkees sit up in panic)
Davy: The next room!
(a pigeon lands on the windowsill)
Mike: Now then, let's see. All we gotta do is strap a message to its leg and we…um, there's already a message here strapped to its leg.
Peter: What does it say?
Mike: It says, 'Please don't strap a message to my leg. I am not a carrier pigeon.'
Mike: Now, see, all we have to do is, uh, is, uh, put a message around his neck and we can get him to del…um, he's already got a message around his neck.
Davy: Hey, what does it say?
Mike: (opens the note) 'There is a message for you on the pigeon.'
Peter : Someone turned on the dark!
Monkee Vs. Machine
Computer: Name, please.
Peter: bewildered What?
Computer: Thank you. Last name, What. And what is your first name, Mr. What?
Peter: It's not "What"!
Computer: Mr. Notwhat What.
Peter: Wait a minute! That's not my name at all! My name is …
Computer: And what is your occupation?
Peter: … "Peter"! You dig? Pete!
Computer: You dig peat. Occupation: peat digger.
Peter: shakes his head in despair
Computer: What is your mother's maiden name?
Peter: Thompson.
Computer: Sex?
Peter: Female, of course!
Computer: Alright, Mrs. Notwhat.
Peter: No, my mother is female!
Computer: What do you do in your spare time, Mrs. Notwhat?
Peter: desperate Listen, I'm a MAN!
Computer: In your spare time, you are a man.
Peter: No, no, that's not it at all. First of all, you've got my name wrong…
Computer: Name is misspelled. Please give correct letter.
Peter: Well, I …
Computer: Correct letter is "I." Name is not "Notwhat", but "Nitwit."
Peter: overwhelmed Oh, brother!
Computer: Brother is also a nitwit.
Peter: indignant Now just a minute…!
Computer: That will do, Nitwit. Test complete. Interview ended. Application rejected.
Micky : My mommy won’t let me play with toys that burn, or bash, or scratch, or go boom.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers
Waitress : May I take your order now?
Micky : Oh, nothing for us, thanks, we just came in here to get our clothes ripped off.
Micky : Careful! I may never play the guitar again!
Davy : But you’re the drummer.
Micky : Oh, that’s right, okay, go ahead.
Micky : I’m gonna be a star!
Nick: Don't you want to be famous? The ideal of millions?
Davy: No, we just want to be revered by a small minority.
Nick: A small minority?
Micky: (as Groucho Marx) Small minority, small minority...ha, ha...like a tribe of African Pigmies. Get it? Pigmies...ha,ha, hum, small minority.
The Spy Who Came in from the Cool
Davy : Mike, I just saw a fella talking to a popsicle.
Mike : Oh, yeah? Let me know if the popsicle talks back.
Micky : This cufflink contains a miniature tape recorder.
Peter : If I wear two of them can I record in stereo?
Micky: Yes. It also contains a pill. In the event your being tortured, beyond endurance, you can swallow this pill. Tell me what it does, Jones.
Davy: Within thirty seconds, your breath is kissing sweet?
Agent Honeywell: How do you feel about demonstrations?
Peter: They're the only way to sell a vacuum cleaner.
Madame Olinsky : I grow impatient!
Peter : I grow daffodils!
Success Story
Davy : Peter, as my devoted houseboy, what will be your main function?
Peter : I am born to serve my master, and live only to perform his bidding.
Davy : Right, now get me my comb!
Peter : Get it yourself.
Peter : We could only afford one serving, yours is rubber!
Davy : But I’ll starve! …is the fruit rubber?
Peter : No…
[Davy takes a bite of the apple]
Peter : …it’s plastic.
Micky : You haven’t selected your seat! Yes, ah, do you have any preferences?
Grandfather : No, no, anywhere!
Micky : Well I’ll give you 10A, that’s over the wing…
Grandfather : Fine!
Micky : …of course a lot of people would rather sit inside the plane! Ahaha!
Peter: Don't fly! If you get too close to the sun, your wings will melt!
Monkees in a Ghost Town
Peter : First we got lost and run out of gas, then Mike and Davy disappear, and then somebody starts shooting off with a machine gun. And now this guy is searching the town.
Micky : That’s for the benefit of any of you who’ve tuned in late. Now back to our story!
Mike : First we’ll escape, then we’ll play baseball.
Peter: Cross at the green, not in between.
Davy: He's been out in the sun too long
Micky: He was no bargain in the shade.
Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Mike : Davy, you and Peter go hide in the bedroom.
Davy : He already knows about us, it’s the horse we’ve got to hide.
Mike : Hi, I’m the fella that called before.
Dr. Mann : Where’s the monkey?
Mike : Oh, I’m the Monkee.
Dr. Mann : You’re the monkey? You don’t need a vet, young man, you need a psychiatrist!
Mike : No, wait a minute, you don’t, you don’t understand. I’m not a real monkey, I’m the kind of Monkee that sings!
Mike : C’mon, we gotta go plow the cow…
Micky : Something about… I don’t… I’m supposed to milk the chickens…
Peter : I think we have to feed the south 40…
Davy : Feed the chickens to the cows…
Farmer Fisher : [hands Micky a bucket] Go milk the cow. See that you fill this.
Micky : Boy, that just proves how far out in the country we are!
Farmer Fisher : What do you mean?
Micky : The milkman doesn’t even deliver here!
The Chaperone
Peter : C’mon Davy, quit fooling around! What TV show was she watching?
Micky : Ours, I hope.
General Vandenberg : You know, I can’t help thinking I know you from someplace…
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : …have you ever been to Palm Beach?
General Vandenberg : Yes!
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : Is it nice?
General Vandenberg : Where’s she going?
Mike : I give up, where?
Davy: Hey, Micky. You're lovely.
Mr. Babbit : So, tell me, how do you like this apartment? You know, I could kick the boys out…
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : Oh, I couldn’t stand living in a place like this… and you really wouldn’t wanna do that to the boys, why, they think the world of you! Why, they were just talking about you before you came in!
Mr. Babbit : Really?
Micky (as Mrs. Arcadian) : Yes… what’s a blood sucker?
Here Come The Monkees (The Pilot)
Mike : Okay, so what do you wanna do?
Davy : I wanna help her.
Micky : Sure you wanna help, I wanna help Peter too, but I can’t, he’s a bird brain.
Micky : Hi, uh tonight, we’re a minute short, as usual, so we’re going to show you two spontaneous, unrehearsed, screen tests that were done of Mike and Davy before The Monkees, we started filming, before we, like, knew what all was gonna happen, these were two screen tests that we did and they’re in black and white so don’t worry, the colour is okay… [to Peter] what do you talk so much for?
Monkees A La Carte
Davy : I’m telling you, that guy’s tough! He even wears a pinstripe suit!
Micky : What’s so tough about that?
Davy : It’s got real pins in it.
Peter : What did I do?
Mike : I don’t know, man, but don’t do it again!
Micky : Pick a number between one and ten.
Mike : 14.
I've Got a Little Song Here
Mike : It says “Congratulations, because of your unusual taste and achievements, you’ve been selected for this exclusive offer.”
Micky : That’s for you, Mike?
Mike : Well, yeah, it’s “Dear Occupant”.
Micky : In 1952, all America was humming this never-to-be-forgotten hit! …what was the name of that hit?
Bernie Class : How old are you?
Mike : 21.
Bernie Class : When I was your age, I was 22!
Mike : Hello, Mr. Conway? This is Mike Nesmith… a no, Mike Nesmith… Nesmith… yeah, well, you probably don’t remember me, we met on a bus about five years ago…
Davy : Hey, man, will you remember us when you’re rich and famous?
Mike : Oh, you know I will, Danny.
Davy : David!
Mike : Does the name Mike Nesmith mean anything to you?
Joannie Jans : Uh… no… it’s only a rumour… we’re just good friends…
One Man Shy
Ronnie Farnsworth : You, uh, really get a big kick outta yourself, don’tcha?
Mike : Yeah, well, I’m all I have.
Ronnie Farnsworth : That’s too bad.
Micky : You do and I’ll be sorry!
Micky : Didn’t anybody ever have a crush on you or nothin’?
Peter : I once got some threatening valentines.
Peter : I read an interesting music about books and politics…
Ronnie Farnsworth : They're just fifth-rate musicians!
Micky : Third-rate musicians!
Dance, Monkee, Dance
Miss Buntwell : Now look, hun, all I need is your name, all right?
Peter : …could you give me a hint?
Mike : It’s a lifetime… contract.
Davy and Micky : Lifetime!?
Mike : Yeah… and it’s… with an option for renewal.
Mike : Well, I see now, you can’t send a boy to do a man’s boj… uh, uh… job… badge… you can’t send a boy…
Micky : Hey, that little guy looks just like Davy!
Peter : It is Davy.
Micky : We gonna do this every lesson?
Davy : You must be joking! You know how much it costs for those sets and costumes?
Mike : You don’t realize it, but I can’t sleep at night, I can’t eat, I can’t drink!
Miss Buntwell : Why not?
Mike : ’Cause I don’t have no money.
Dancing Smoothie : We know every dance in the book.
Mike : Do you know the mugoomba?
Dancing Smoothie : No, how does that go?
Mike : Well, first you raise your right arm… and then you raise you left arm… okay…
Monkees : This is a stick-up!
Too Many Girls
Davy : Do you care for a spot of tea?
Micky : I’d rather have the whole cup.
Mrs. Badderly : I see that within twenty-four hours you’re going to meet a girl and fall in love.
Mike : Oh, yeah, well, he does that everyday.
Davy : I know why ’es doin’ it. It’s ’cause I’m short, that’s why! I’m short.
Davy : My name’s David Jones, and… I think I love you.
Micky : I wanna tell you about my family, now, take my wife. Please, take my wife!
Son of a Gypsy
Peter : The woods are just so beautiful…!
Micky : Yeah, famous last words.
Peter : Whose?
Mike, Micky, and Davy : Little Red Riding Hood.
Maria : We are all thieves at heart!
Davy : Where did she get that idea?
Mike : She stole it!
Davy : It’s okay, you can stand up now.
Micky, Peter, and Mike : …we are standing up!
Micky : Alright, stick ’em up!
Mike : Help, help. Help. Robbery. Who is this masked man, anyway? Help, help. Gun. Oh, terror, terror, burglar. Burglar, help. Help, help. Wallet, mine… his now.
Micky : Hey, I don’t like the way that guard’s acting.
Davy : What are you, a talent scout or something?
The Case of the Missing Monkee
Dr. Marcovich : He knows too much!
Peter : Thank you!
Davy : We were just trying to help you, you know.
Peter : That’s alright, Micky.
Davy : …Micky! He knows me! He knows me!… No… I’m Davy…
Mike : Peter, you stay here and play dumb.
Peter : Why am I always the one to play dumb? Why can’t I play smart once in awhile?
I Was a Teenage Monster
Micky : Boy fellas, it’s really amazing to think that a monster was created in this very laboratory!
Mike : AHHHH!
Micky : What’s the matter?
Mike : You almost dropped his mother!
Micky : Now how does it look?
Mike : It’s looks like a long haired, near sighted monster with a guitar.
Mike : I think $200’s not gonna do us any good if we’re dead.
Micky : No, man, we should’ve asked for $250.
The Audition (Find the Monkees)
Peter : Boy, it’s not fair! We’re as bad as any other group in town!
Micky : Oh, Peter, please tell me it isn’t the hiccups!
Peter : It isn’t the [hic] hiccups.
Mike : He’s gone!
Micky and Davy : He’s gone!
Monkees in the Ring
Joey Sholto : You’re a good boy, and I like a good boy.
Davy : Oh, thank you very much, can I have a cookie?
Micky : Think of your hands… your beautiful hands! You’ll never play the violin again!
Davy : But I don’t play the violin!
Micky : You could learn.
Mike : Ha ha… he could learn! Ha… ha…
Micky : Hey, what do you get out of this, Shylock--
Mike : Sholto!
Micky :—Sholto?
Joey Sholto : Just a small piece of Davy’s purse.
Peter : He doesn’t carry a purse, he carries a wallet!
Joey Sholto : Do you know the thing closest to my heart?
Mike, Micky, and Peter : Your lungs.
Reporter : Davy, is it true you call your mother every time you win a fight?
Davy : Yeah, that’s right.
Reporter : What do you do if the opponent wins?
Davy : I call his mother.
The Prince and the Pauper
Davy : What are you doing in America?
Prince Ludlow : I’ve come to your country to try and find a bride. Under the terms of my nation’s constitution, if I’m still unwed by my eighteenth birthday, my throne passes to Count Myron.
Davy : That sounds crazy to me!
Prince Ludlow : I know, that’s what I told the producers.
Micky : Oh, really, girls find him very sweet.
Peter : He makes their teeth decay.
Davy (as Prince Ludlow) : Miss Forsythe, uh, Wendy… will you marry me?
Mike : Ooh, that’s fast!
Davy (as Prince Ludlow) : Shut up.
Wendy Forsythe : Oh, Ludlow! I’m so happy! There’s no one in the world like you!
Mike : I wouldn’t be too sure about that…
Davy (as Prince Ludlow) : Shut up.
Mike : Well, I’ll tell ya Davy, y’know, there was a wise old man lived about five thousand years ago, name was Ling Voo Yang, and he once said, he said, “if apple seed turns to wing, it’ll fly away a beautiful butterfly. But if a butterfly turns into an apple seed, it’ll just lay there on the ground.” That’s what Ling Voo Yang said five thousand years ago.
Davy : Oh really? What does that mean?
Mike : I just don’t have any idea.
Monkees at the Circus
Peter : Well, why don’t we just snick inside and take a look?
Mike : Snick? It’s not “snick”, it’s “sneak”! I sneak, and you sneak, and we sneak…
Peter : Oh, good, then we can all get in!
Micky : You do and I’ll be sorry!
Victor : You’re amazing.
Davy : No, ’e’s ahmazing, I’m incredibull.
Victor : You come all the way from France?
Davy : It was on the way.
Peter : We were headed to Belgium.
Susan : What are you going to do? Tonight’s a sell out! The whole town’ll be here!
Micky : Well, for our first act, we could get out of town! A ha ha… joke, little joke, get it? Little joke, about that big…
Captain Crocodile
Junior Pinter : You think I’m short?
Mike : Well, uh, no, where’d you get that idea?
Junior Pinter : From the people who are taller than I am.
Davy : Y’know, I think he’s quite tall meself.
Micky : You would.
Mike : Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Mike Nesmith. And on my left is the delightful and charming personality, David Jones.
Davy : Thank you Mike.
Mike : No sweat.
Davy : And on my left is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.
Peter : Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful is the left moderator Micky Dolenz…?
Mike : My name is David Jones.
Davy : My name is David Jones.
Peter : My name is David Jones.
Micky : Will the real David Jones please stand up?
Davy : …I am standing up!
Peter : Kretch?
Davy (as Ruben the Tadpole) : Holy frogs legs! That really makes me mad!
J.J. Pontoon : Now, before The Monkees were on did your grandchildren ever watch the show?
Mike (as Janitor) : Oh, no, no, I seen it once, I ’member seeing it well, I watched it for about five minutes, then I thought to myself, “why am I sitting here watching this show when I could be out cleaning garbage cans?”
Monkees A La Mode
Mike : Some fashion magazine, says here, “neck lines are plunging lower every year, this year the V will go down to the tummy in something of a ‘peek-a-boo’ effect. Get into the swing of fashions and have your own ‘naval observatory’.”
Davy : You must be joking.
Mike : You’re right, I am, it doesn’t say that at all.
Davy : Eh, eh, listen to this: “Why not take lil’ metal bottle tops and nail them to your living room floor. It gives you the impression that you are walking upon… lil’… metal… bottle tops…”?
Toby Willis : You see, what we wanna do is show what you are, and the way you live.
Davy : What? You wanna get us arrested?
Rob Roy Fingerhead : You like living here?
Peter : Very much.
Rob Roy Fingerhead : Then why are you looking so pained?
Peter : ’Cause you’re standing on my hand!
Assistant #2 : Tell me, Mr. Jones, what do you look for in a girl?
Davy : Well, um, uh, it all depends what I’ve lost!
Alias Micky Dolenz
Police Captain : Take a look at that face.
[Captain shows picture of Babyface]
Micky : Yuuuuck!
Mike : Oh, ugly! Oh that guy is ugly!
Police Captain : You know who that is?
Micky : Well, whoever he is, he’s a sneaky, vicious, mean type looking person!
Mike : Vicious, sneaky… ew!
[Captain shows Micky a mirror]
Micky : Why… that, that’s me! That honest looking, handsome face guy is me!
Babyface : First I, uh, grab ’em by the shirt… then I look ’em in the eye… then I say, uh… so’s your old man.
Micky : So’s your old man.
Babyface : Get lost.
Micky : Get lost.
Babyface : Eh, you’re pretty good.
Micky : Eh, you’re pretty good.
Babyface : Okay, okay.
Micky : Okay, okay.
Babyface : Shut up! You got it already!
Tony Ferano : Didn’t they spot you with their search lights?
Micky (as Babyface) : Nah, fixed it so their search lights was useless.
Vince : How did you do that?
Micky (as Babyface) : Busted out in the daytime.
Micky : Gosharooney!
Interviewer : Hey, Davy, tell me more about the pressure that builds up at the end of a day.
Davy : Well, everybody’s tired and they get irritable, y’know? And everybody starts gettin’ mad and y’know, everybody wants to go home, man, it’s a drag, sittin’ here talkin’ to you!
Monkee Chow Mein
Peter : If they kidnap me tonight and kill me, I want you to have my new sport jacket.
Davy : Oh, Peter, will you stop that? They’re never gonna kill ya, do you understand? Nothing’s gonna happen to ya. C’mon… Eh, what colour’s your new sport jacket?
Dragonman : You fool! Once again, you have brought me wrong man!
Micky : You fool! You’ve again brought him the wrong one. Bye.
Agent : In our business, secrecy is our most important weapon! Utter secrecy!
Mike, Peter, Davy : Secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy, secrecy…
Agent : What are you doing?
Mike : Uttering secrecy.
Mike : You serve crabs?
Chang : We serve anybody!
Dragonman : You expect me to believe you make money singing like that?
Micky : I didn’t say we made money, I said we sing.
Mike: You're ugly. You're an ugly person. Ugly..ugly..ooh are you ugly. Nobody likes you, least of all me.
Mike: "You know, I never realized you could get so hungry saving your country."
Davy: "I'm from England and I'm hungry."
Monkee Mother
Millie Rudnick : …and food should not be eaten with the fingers.
Mike : Umm, the fingers should be eaten separately.
Mike : Look, she’s a terror!
Micky, Peter, and Davy : Right!
Mike : She’s gotta be stopped!
Micky, Peter, and Davy : Right!
Mike : Well, somebody’s gotta tell her!
Micky, Peter, and Davy : Right!
Mike : Well, who’s gonna tell her?
Micky, Peter, and Davy : You!
Micky : My arms, I can’t move my arms.
Mike : I can’t move your arms either.
Millie Rudnick : Look what I got! I found her at the supermarket!
[shows them Clarice]
Peter : I don’t know where we’re gonna put her, there’s no room in the refrigerator.
Millie Rudnick : Davy, Clarice is English and she’s not married yet.
Davy : Well, it’s only two o’clock in the afternoon, she’s still got time.
Clarice Rawlings : Do you really know Rex Harrison?
Davy : No.
Clarice Rawlings : Actually, I don’t care.
Davy : I’m no good for you, you know.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : Terrible temper.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : I wander.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : Cruel, too.
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Davy : I love you Clarice!
Clarice Rawlings : I don’t care.
Monkees on the Line
Mike : Okay, fine, I got the number of this answering service out of the phone book, and we’ll just call ’em up… I mean, you never know how many new things are gonna open up for you when there’s somebody always there to answer your phone. You can get jobs… and millions of things… there’s always somebody there, morning, noon, and night… twenty-four hours a day, they’re right there on the job and never fail.
Micky : …well?
Mike : Well, it’s… there’s no answer.
Mrs. Drehdal : Which one of you is on the first shift?
Various Monkees : Me! Me! I’ll do it!
Mike : Hold it! Wait a minute! Let’s, uh, decide this democratically.
Peter : We’ll choose fingers.
Mike : Yes, I choose that one… ooh! I won! That means that I’ve got the city in my fingertips!
Peter : How come Mike always wins?
Micky : He has six fingers on that hand.
Mike : There’s a bed in the wall!
Mike : In there! She’s in there!
Micky : She must be awful skinny!
Mike : Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where’s my hat? Can I have my hat, please? Hat, please! Thank you, babe!
Micky : Where’d you get that?
Mike : From the wardrobe!
Micky : Peter’s missing!
Mike : Missing? Did you look on the piano?
Micky : What’d he say?
Davy : He said “did you look on the piano?”.
Micky : [to Davy] There’s no piano here!
Davy : [to Mike] There’s no piano here!
Mike : Oh, well then that’s why he’s missing.
Micky : Hey, what happened to that girl?
Mike : Oh, well, through my clever manipulation of her heartstrings, and uh, my, masculinity, and my persuasiveness she--
Davy : Jumped out the window?
Mike : No! She promised she wouldn’t do anything until tomorrow.
Peter : Then she jumps out the window?
Monkees Get Out More Dirt
Mike : Um, I’m uh, gonna run down to the store and uh, buy some dog food!
Davy : Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait!
Mike : What what what?
Davy : We don’t have a dog.
Mike : Well, I’ll uh, run down to the store and pick up a dog ,too! Dogs are nice, y’know, you can pet ’em, and uh, love ’em, and take fleas off of ’em, and put fleas back on ’em and besides that, dogs play with cats, and… we don’t have a cat either… um, uh, bye!
April Conquest : I’m working on my doctor’s thesis.
Mike : Why can’t your doctor work on his own thesis?
Peter : Hey! Wait, wait! How do I get in if the door’s locked?
Micky : Peter, you can’t expect the writers to know everything! Improvise!
April Conquest : Don’t tell me, you’ve given up motorcycles?
Mike : Given ’em up? Hah, are you kidding? Of course I’ve given ’em up! Horrible! No, I, I’ve taken up skydiving.
April Conquest : …ooh!
Mike : You like that? Uh, but um, I’ve got one problem. You see, I’m afraid of airplanes. Oh, afraid, and I can’t dive in the sky, so I use my living room, and the parachute gets on the couch…
Davy : April is the cruelest month.
Monkees in Manhattan
Weatherwax : What I want to know is, is he really sick, or is it merely sham?
Micky : Of course he’s sick! He had sham when he was twelve years old.
Peter : How’s my heartbeat?
Micky : Fine, but the melody don’t make it.
Bronislaw Kolinovsky : No, I couldn’t do that, this is 304.
Mike : No it’s not, it’s five after ten!
Micky : Hey guys, look at this! It’s a song out of McKinley’s play.
Davy : Hey, let’s try it on for size.
Micky : …doesn’t fit.
Mike : No, E flat never was my colour.
Mike : There’s gotta be more than one person in New York who’s willing to produce a show that’s written by an unknown and directed by an unknown, and starring The Monkees…
Davy : My family dates back almost four hundred years, to the earliest rich people. This is H. L. Nesmith, he owns a small spread in southern Texas. Eh, what’s the name of the ranch again, Mr. Nesmith?
Mike : Uh, Houston.
Mike : Hold it, hold it… I’ll straighten this out… how can we pay money we don’t have?
Interviewer : You’ve reached a certain amount of success, if that was suddenly like taken away, wiped out, where would you be today?
Peter : I’d go back to the Village and be a folk singer.
Interviewer : How ’bout you, Davy?
Davy : I’d go back to the Village and watch him be a folk singer.
Interviewer : Mike?
Mike : I’d probably go burn the Village.
Mike : You are not! I’m uglier than you!
Davy : No, I’m the ugliest!
Mike : I’m the ugliest! It’s me, it’s me, it’s me!
Micky : Alright, I lose!
Mike : Why do I want a house?… Well, when it rains you get wet if you live in a parking lot!
Monkees at the Movies
Philo : Mr. Kramm gave you “Beach Party Honeymoon”.
Peter : You didn’t give it to us, we had to pay for it!
Mike : Yeah, it cost us eighty cents at the drive-in.
Philo : Well, it was worth it, wasn’t it?
Mike : Umm… you owe me sixty cents.
Mike : Oh, Davy, you drew the short straw.
Davy : That’s the story of my life.
Micky : A teenage failure! He’s made so many B-pictures, he’s getting fan mail from hornets!
Davy : Watch where you’re going, shorty!
Mike : You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Was get a Rolls Royce, and put little bitty tires on the front, and big slicks on the back, and put a pickup bed in the trunk, and all paint you know and stuff like that, and take the hood off of it an’ everything, paint a name on the back of it…
Interviewer : And drive where?
Mike : Drive where? Drive no place, drive it out on the freeway and give it a flat tire and stand there scratching your head.
Monkees on Tour
Mike : Every morning I get up about 7:30 and wander out into the yard. There I notice that several of my chickens is now laying on the ground, cold and stiff with their feet in the air. Could you tell me possibly what is wrong with them?
Micky : Mr. Kretchlow… Mr. Kretchlow… your chickens are dead.
Mike : Let me ask you, if you really found out that none of us could play a note, couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, would you hate us?
Girl : No.
Mike : No? Well, why is that?
Girl : Well, because you’re puttin’ people on pretty good.
Mike : And now, the world’s best lookin’ midget… David Jones!