It's a Nice Place to Visit
Mike: Angelita, are you kiddin’ man? You heard what that guy said, that’s El Diablo’s girl and if he catches you with her, he’ll kill you!
Davy: Well, every couple has its problems, you know.
Micky: They call me El Dolenzio, also known as the Bandit Without A Soul!
Mike: And they call me El Nesmitho, also known as the Bandit Without No… Wi-without Any Conscience.
Peter: And they call me El Torko, the Bandit uh—Without A Nickname.Peter: Buenos dis, el guardo. Ah, yo guardero el prisonero… ah party-o…
Bandit: Yes, yes…
Peter: El Diablo, uh, lots of food, there’s a party, fiesta, lots of carryin’-ons, over the hill.
Bandit: Yes?
Peter: …Booze.
Bandit: Ohh!
Davy: Oh no, oh no Mr. Bandit, please, I didn’t mean it, honestly, it was a joke, honestly.
Peter: Davy, it’s me, Peter.
Davy: Peter who?
Peter: Peter Tork.
Davy: Oh Peter!
Peter: Davy!
Davy: Peter!
Peter: Davy!
Davy: Peter!
Peter: How do you untie a square knot?
Davy: Square knot… let me see… um, oh yeah, you know the knot, well there’s a loop underneath it… Peter, my finger, don’t pull on my finger, will ya? [Davy continues to explain]
Davy: The one that’s criss-crossed like a figure—well, you kn—an eight, an eight… it’s like, it’s shaped like this
[Davy draws a figure eight shape in the air, then puts his hand behind the tree]
Davy: An eight! You got that? Well, anyway, you take that, and you take the loose end…
[Mike and Micky arrive]
Peter: Mr. Bandit, please don’t!
Micky: Don’t what? It’s Mike and… I mean, it’s Micky and Mike.
Peter: Micky and Mike who?
Micky: “Micky and Mike who?!”
Mike: What do you mean “Micky and Mike who?”, what do you say “Micky and Mike who?” for?
Peter: Well, Davy did it to me.
Mike: Look man, you’ve been challenged! What are you gonna do?
Micky: What am I gonna do? Micky Dolenz in a challenge… what do you think I’ll do?
Mike: You’re gonna split!
Micky: Right!
The Picture Frame
Micky: Hey Pete! Hey, you missed the big hold-up scene!
Peter: I know man, I went to Stage 1 at 2:00 instead of Stage 2 at 1:00.
Sergeant: Alright Monkees, come on out, we know you’re in there.
Micky: Hey, what do they want us for?
Peter: Oh, that library book—it’s a week overdue!
[watching the hidden camera tape from the bank]
Davy: I thought this was gonna be in colour!
Micky: If I’da known this was gonna be in black and white, I wouldn’ta done it.
Micky: I’m glad you cut out the part where I tripped, ’cause that wasn’t a very good scene at all.
Davy: We were shootin’ a movie, some cat came up and said ’you wanna shoot a movie?’, said yeah, we shoot a movie. So we shot a movie.
Mike: Well, well, y’see, see, it’s like I told ya, but we thought we were, we were doin’ a movie.
Sergeant: Still stickin’ to that story, huh? Well, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll change your tune.
[Mike plays the harmonica]
Mike [in a high voice]: Well, it’s like I told ya, we were doin’ a movie.
Davy: Even Peter thinks we’re guilty.
Peter: I don’t think you’re guilty, I just don’t see how you could possibly be innocent!
Everywhere a Sheik, Sheik
Davy: Tell me, has the princess ever had a crush on anyone before?
Shazar: Yes, there was a boy like you once. She loved him, but he rejected her.
Davy: Oh, does she still see him?
Shazar: Oh yes, she visits him every week and puts a wreath on his grave.
Davy: This king kidnapped me and he wants me to marry his daughter!
Micky: Nice looking?
Davy: Well, you know he’s not bad--
Micky: No, no, the daughter.
[King Hassar Yaduin brings in a model of a temple]
Davy: What’s that, what’s that?
King Hassar Yaduin : This is where you would live.
Mike: That’s a little small, isn’t it?
[Shazar takes a bite of the food]
Peter: How is it?
Shazar: It’s… poisoned… and… a little rare…
Monkee Mayor
Davy: You know, you think at three in the afternoon there’d be somebody at City Hall.
Micky: Maybe they’re on their coffee break.
Peter: How long’s their coffee break?
Mike: From nine to five.
Mike: They’re gonna tear down a stadium and build a parking lot!
Micky: They’re gonna tear down a hospital to build a parking lot!
Peter: And here’s the kicker--
Monkees: They’re gonna tear down a parking lot to build a parking lot!
Peter: Hey, lookit, it’s a half a check for a hundred dollars!
Mike: It’s two halves of a hundred dollar check!
Peter: It’s a check for two hundred dollars!… It’s two checks for fifty dollars.
Art, For Monkees' Sake
Duce: What’s with the hat? The hat’s not needed!
Peter: It’s Mike’s hat. It’s knitted.
Duce: I know it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: How did you know it was knitted?
Duce: I can tell it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: Oh, for I minute I thought you knew Mike.
Duce: What’s the most important thing for an artist?
Peter: Paint.
Mike: The modest but powering Texan needs no introduction…
Mike: That thing was almost a thousand years old!
Peter: Oh, well thank goodness it wasn’t new.
I Was a 99 Lb. Weakling
Davy: Step over that line! …step over that line! …alright, step over this line!
Bulk: Okay, now what?
Davy: Just as I thought, you’re always taking orders! Nyaaaah! [runs away]
Peter: Did somebody yell for help? Did somebody yell for help?
Brenda: No.
Peter: What do you mean, no? Look at that man’s back—it’s covered with spots!
Brenda: Uuuh! Help!
Peter: Hey, mister! Would you throw us back our ball?
Davy: [to camera] Hahahaha!
[Bulk struggles try to pick up the ball]
Bulk: Ohh! Aie! Ohh! I can hardly lift it!
Davy: [to camera] Shouldn’t think he could. Lead, you know. Ooh!
Davy: Before I came to Shah-Ku’s, I used to be 6'2". And then, uh, it put so much weight on my shoulders that it squashed me!
Hillbilly Honeymoon
Micky: Safe at last!
Ella Mae Chubber: I knew you’d come!
Micky: But I’m not the one!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Davy!
Micky: But I’m Micky!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Micky!
[Ella Mae kisses Micky]
Micky: Well, I tried.
Paw Chubber: Well I don’t care who it is, Ella Mae’s gotta get married, because tomorrow she’ll be sixteen years old and I don’t want nobody calling her old maid.
Peter: Hey look, where’s Davy?
Paw Chubber: Judd Weskitt took him up to his cabin at gun point. But I wouldn’t fret none about him.
Peter: Oh, how come?
Paw Chubber: Because he’s probably dead by now.
Paw Chubber: Hold it! You two wasn’t thinking on runnin’ out on me was ya?
Mike: What, and leave our buddy Peter here?
Micky: It’s a thought!
Peter: Micky!
Paw Chubber: Now, of his own free will, repeat after me: Ella Mae, honey.
Davy: Ella Mae, honey.
Paw Chubber: I wanna…
Davy: I wanna…
Paw Chubber: Go ahead, go ahead!
Davy:I wanna… I… I wanna be freeeee… free! Free! Like the blue blue biiiirds!
Paw Chubber: Anybody who sings like that deserves to die!
Paw Chubber: Say it! “Will you marry me?”
Davy: Will you marry me?
Mike: Ten million chicks madly in love with him and he’s gonna marry an old man.
Micky: Where’s Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Over there!
Mike: Where’s Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Same place!
Davy: Knock knock.
Mike: Who’s there?
Davy: Wa.
Mike: Wa who?
Davy: That’s right, wahoo.
Monkees Marooned
Micky: A treasure map! That’s one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done, Pete.
Peter: That’s not fair, Micky.
Davy: Uh, that’s not true, Micky. He’s done dumber things than that, I know ’im.
Peter: Thanks, man.
Davy: If we hurry, men, we can destroy the British at Trenton!
Micky: Davy, you are British.
Davy: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Davy: No, that wasn’t a rifle shot, man! That, this is a deserted island. It was probably a car backfiring or something.
Micky: Wait! Our footprints! Great Scott, that means we’re lost! We’ve been going around in circles!
Davy: Ah, Micky, Micky, it’s a small set, man, we have to use the same place, you know, different bushes, trees…
Thursday: Relax, men. I’ve defected.
Peter: I’d see a doctor about that.
Mike: That’s not… that’s not what “de-defected” means…
Peter: Yes it is.
Card Carrying Red Shoes
Davy: Uh, now let’s understand this. You mean you’re gonna shoot us, and keep ’im because of ’is face?
[Natasha nods]
Davy: Well whaddaya think this is, chopped liver?
Peter: Well it can’t be you every week, Davy.
Micky: Now, now look miss. You know, guns really never solved anything. They’re not the solution to the problem, they’re only a coward’s way out. Wouldn’t you rather talk it over instead of hiding behind a gun? Now, why don’t you give it to me?
[Natasha hands over the gun]
Micky: All right, hands up! You’re takin’ orders from me!
Davy: No! Please!
Micky: Not you, dingaling!
Micky: Shut up, face!
Natasha Pavlova: They said they will make him talk!
Micky: Talk? Never! They can tourture ’em, beat ’em, drug ’em… he’ll never talk. There’s only one torture he can’t withstand though, I pray they don’t use that.
Natasha Pavlova: What’s that?
Micky: The direct question.
The Wild Monkees
Mike: Where did you get that water?
Peter: From the car, like Micky said.
Mike: Where in the car?
Peter: …from the radiator?
Davy: Oh, Micky, don’t worry. Listen, it’s a good job he didn’t get it from the petrol tank--
Peter: That’s what I meant, the petrol tank!
Mike: Where’re you going?
Davy: I’m go-going to the kitchen to get something to eat.
Mike: Yeah, but the kitchen’s that way.
Davy: Yeah, but the one back at the pad isn’t, it’s that way!
Micky: It says here in the script--
Mike: Handbook!
Micky: —handbook.
Davy: For initiation, we kill our new members!
Mike: Now, now Butch… now look here Butch… you can’t… you can’t keep pushing me like this, Butch. You’re gonna get, uh, too far with it here in a minute… and I’m not going any farther!
Butch: How come?
Mike: Well, because I can’t get over this desk.
Peter: No more room!
Mike: Order, order, can I have some order please?
Davy: Uh, bagel with cream cheese and a cream soda…
Mike: Not that.
Peter: Don’t do that.
Davy: Oh, excuse me.
A Coffin Too Frequent
Davy: Hey, I’d didn’t know you could read.
Peter: I’ve been able to read since I was fifteen years old.
Henry Weatherspoon: I told you, I am a scientist.
Micky: A mad scientist?
Henry Weatherspoon: No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks!
Peter: I know why everybody joins hands at a seance.
Davy: To make sure they have contact?
Peter: No, ’cause they’re scared silly.
Hitting the High Seas
Harry Hooker: Reynolds!
Frank Reynolds: Here!
Harry Hooker: Dolenz!
Micky: Here, sir.
Harry Hooker: Tork.
[Micky and Davy begin talking]
Harry Hooker: Shut up!
Davy: But you said we could talk!
Harry Hooker: Shut! Up!
Captain: Take him to the galley!
Davy: Oh please! Not the galley! Oh the galley! No please, don’t hang me! Don’t hang me!
Micky: No no no, not the gallows, the galley!
Davy: Oh. You had me worried for a minute there. Heh heh.
Micky: Captain Hornblower man, groovy, sock it to me. Yeah.
Peter: When I insight, I insight.
Peter: We said “single handed mutinies never work, stranger”!
Captain: “Stranger”? I thought you came aboard with him!
Davy: Him? Nah! We’ve never seen him before! We wouldn’t hang around with long haired weirdoes like that, would we?
Peter: Dirty Commie!
Davy: Yea!
Monkees in Texas
Peter: BANG! BANG BANG BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Davy: What is this “bang bang bang” stuff?
Peter: Well, I hate violence. Besides, I have more shells than you. BANG BANG BANG!
Black Bart: Have you had enough, nestors?
Mike: The name is NESMITH, and if you’re gonna scream it out here in the middle of the war, get it right! That’s NESMITH!
Peter: I thought Mike’s name was Nestor.
Mike: N-E-P-K-Y-O-R-J-B--
Aunt Kate Nesmith: No, “nestor” means “farmer”, he’s right, he means “nestors”!
Mike: Ohh. Oh, hey, I’m sorry, ah, I didn’t realize, you know, and it seems like you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech!
Mike: I’m afraid I don’t know this lady here… oh my…
Aunt Kate Nesmith: Don’t you remember your baby cousin Lucy?
Mike: Huh? Lu--Lucy! Are you Lu—well, what, well, whatever happened to the, the buck teeth the knobby kneed, uh, string haired, bad complexion, little girl that I used to hang around with?
Aunt Kate Nesmith: That’s your other cousin, Clara. She still looks the same.
Mike: Oh merciful heavens.
[Peter is dressed as an Indian]
Peter: Hey Micky, how come I have to wear all this?
Micky: ’Cause Aunt Kate said they don’t like strangers in town. Besides, you look very psychedelic.
Peter: Oh, heh heh. [said like an Indian] How!
Micky: Well, it’s the peace symbol and the beads mostly. Come on, let’s go.
The Marshall: Oh, I can’t come this afternoon, I’m busy shooting.
Micky: Oh, outlaws?
The Marshall: My TV series.
Ben Cartwheel: Water my horse, will you son?
Davy: Water your horse? I’m not a stable boy!
Ben Cartwheel: I don’t care about your mental condition, water my horse!
[woman approaches Micky when he walks into the bar]
Micky: Not now, this is a family show! Yeesh!
Aunt Kate Nesmith: Ben Cartwheel’s the kindest millionaire in the whole valley. He wouldn’t hurt a fly!
Micky: Flies, no, but if you’re a human, he’ll kill ya!
Monkees on the Wheel
Peter: [with a British accent] You must be joking!
Davy: That’s my line!
Peter: [with a British accent] I’m sorry.
Davy: You must be joking!
Guy: Take this Wizard Glick!
Mike: Ooh! Guh! …who?
Guy: Wizard Glick.
Mike: Man, I’m not Wizard Glick.
Guy: Oh you’re not? Oh, sorry… [walks away]
Mike: No, I’m not Wizard…
The Christmas Show
Butler: There must be some mistake, we were expecting four gentlemen.
Mike: Would you accept four ladies who shave?
[Peter rides in on a bike]
Salesgirl: Where’d he come from?
Davy: Through the studio gates and right on the set here.
Doctor: Uh, that’ll be twenty dollars.
Davy: Twenty dollars?
Doctor: Well, since it’s the Christmas holiday… make it $19.95.
Davy: Ah, well that’s a much better deal, that is, isn’t it?
Micky: How come I’m all clean and you’re all dirty?
Davy: Don’t you mean how come you’re all dirty and I’m all clean?
Micky: Yeah!
Davy: Well you see, you’re always on about me being little teeny tiny weenie little David, y’see, so I figured I’d come down the middle of the chimney and avoid the sides, y’see?
Fairy Tale
Mike: Ooh! Wow! What a great lookin’ chick!
Peter: She’s beautiful.
Princess Gwen: Harold, get me outta the mud, will ya please!?
Mike: She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on! Look at those sideburns and that body!
Princess Gwen: HAROLD, YOU BETTER GET THIS CARRIAGE OUTTA THE MUD!
Princess Gwen: Shut up or I'll have you paved.
Princess Gwen: Yes, I'm hip. But wear it anyway, it looks good on you.
Fairy of the Locket: Who called the Fairy of the Locket?
Peter: Locket? Uh, I guess I did.
Fairy of the Locket: Well call back later, I was having my hair done. Bye.
Fairy of the Locket: But remember, you must not drop, or crush, or lose the locket.
Micky: Ah, ’cause it’ll lose it’s magic, right.
Mike: Way to go, Mick!
Fairy of the Locket: No, ’cause I’ll be killed, stupid, it’s my home!
Peter: Why me? Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and save the princess? I don’t even like her anymore!
Mike: Don’t even like her? Man, that’s the grooviest lookin’ chick I ever saw!
Goldilocks: Oh, don’t worry, nothing can happen to me.
Peter: How come?
Goldilocks: ’Cause I’m a mean little girl!
Micky: We’ll split up, go in three separate directions, leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever you go, and we’ll follow them back.
Mike: What if the birds eat the crumbs?
Micky: Follow the birds.
Mike: Hey, good thinking!
Princess Gwen: Waita minute you dingbat, who’s gonna feed the goldfish?
Princess Gwen: Defending my honor, isn't that groovy? A bunch of long haired weirdos and some vicious people.
Monkees Watch Their Feet
Davy: Micky, I thought you were putting your clothes on!
Micky: Yeah, I did put my clothes on! But my clothes took off! Could it be my clothes are putting me on?
Davy: Hey Micky, isn’t that a spaceship over there?
The Secretary: Notice the powerfully persuasive argument of the alien.
Micky: What does a spaceship look like?
Davy: Well, I dunno, I never saw one before.
Micky: Then how do you know it is a spaceship?
Peter: He’s right, man, it’s probably some new drive-in.
Micky: They also have insufferable tortures here on earth. [phone rings] Whenever a pussycat cries, they tear off its head, then they holler in its ear, and then they put the head back on the body, I don’t know how it stays alive!
Davy: Micky, what’re you doing?
Micky: I’m going to dispose of all of you.
Peter: Oh, that’s good. For a minute I thought he was trying to get rid of us.
Micky: Micky is in the spaceship. They are questioning him before we invade.
Peter: Oh, well they won’t find out much from Micky.
Micky: Why not?
Peter: Well, he doesn’t know too much.
Monstrous Monkee Mash
Davy: What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Loreli: You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Davy: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before!
Count Dracula: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On second thought, no!
Mike: Now wait a minute, uh, we’re friends of Davy Jones.
Loreli: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On third thought, yes!
Mike: This is a book here that tells you how to be a vampire.
Micky: Me be a vampire? I don’t wanna be a vampire! Why does it tell me to be a vampire, Mike? Why?
Mike: It’s not you, it’s everybody.
Loreli: What do you want, Wolfman, what do you want?
Davy: He wants a better percentage of the profits, he wants cookouts on the weekends, and… he wants to play his own music!
Micky: You oughta get a hair cut, they won’t let you in Disneyland.
Mike: Here I am, Mummy Man!
Count Dracula: You are the Mummy Man?
Mike: Watch this… MUMMY!
Wolfman: [scared noises]
The Monkees Paw
Mendrek (Micky): I came all this way to, to, to find The High Llama. Where is he?
The Regular Llama (Mike): Oh, well, I’m afraid you’re out of luck. He’s out back, sleepin’ it off.
Mike: Oh, Micky, come on. You can talk, there’s nothin’ wrong with your voice.
Peter: Are you kidding? Have you ever heard him sing?
Mike: No, man, he can’t come… Well, I don’t care who you are, he uh, he can’t come… Well, because he don’t like barbeque, I guess… I don’t know… hoo, what a pushy guy.
Davy: Ah, it’s no good, he, he won’t be able to sing tonight. He can’t even say “pencil”!
Mike: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the fact that this is a crayon?
Micky: Now “crayon” I can say!
The Devil and Peter Tork
Mike: Oh, I remember reading in the paper where, because, due to lack of interest, tomorrow was cancelled.
Micky: Your honour! I insist that the, uh, prosecution call another witness!
Judge: On what grounds?
Micky: On the uh, on the grounds that umm, the television show’s not over, and we have to have one more. Heh.
Monkees Race Again
Peter: You know, your pitch is lousy, but you have a pretty good voice. If we don’t find Micky, would you like to join our group?
Mike: What is this gun thing?
Wolfgang: Well, now, now just a minute, we’ve got to have the gun, after all, it’s a prop, ahah!
Mike: That’s horrible, man…
Peter: Put that away!
Mike: It’s bad enough that you’re with a uniform and everything…
Peter: And all the guns on television and everything… it’s bad enough we have a tuning fork!
Micky: You flew all the way to Hollywood for this part?
Monkees Mind Their Manor
Mike: Now look, you’ll be just fine as long as you remember everything that I taught you.
Davy: But you didn’t teach me anything!
Mike: Well then, fake it!
Some Like it Lukewarm
Micky: He likes you.
Peter: All you have to do is go out with him and we’re a cinch to win!
Mike: Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you might own a television station!
Davy: One more remark like that and I’ll hit you with me purse.
Daphne: …and you’re only wearing one shoe!
Davy: Well, that’s what happens when you get dressed in the dark! Ha!
Monkees Blow Their Minds
Oracula: Eh, Mr. Tork, why don’t you join me in a cup of tea?
Peter: Do you think we’ll both fit?
Micky: Uh, well, bye, Pete. Later, Pete. Listen, don’t forget to write, Pete. And uh, remember, the door’s always open to ya, Pete, uh, you can come home to the pad and all your friends, but write first ’cause we’re renting your room!
Oraculo: Now, I want you to free your mind of all thought… good, now, uh, how do you feel?
Mike: Umm, oh, uh, thoughtless.
Oraculo: You fool! That’s not the way to the door!
Peter: Well, what do you expect from a psychic slave?
Mijacogeo (The Frodis Caper)
Micky: Wait, that’s not a test pattern, it was unbelievable!
Mike: You’re tellin’ me it was unbelievable? And you think that was somethin’, you oughta see what happens after the commercial!
Davy: Nyles! Oh no! Has the TV got you too?
Nyles: What TV? Man, I’m always like this…
Micky: No, no, it’s a chant I learned when I sent in a cereal box top!
Micky: It’s working… it’s working…
Mike: How do you know…? How do you know…?
Micky: I saw the last scene… I saw the last scene…
Mike: Angelita, are you kiddin’ man? You heard what that guy said, that’s El Diablo’s girl and if he catches you with her, he’ll kill you!
Davy: Well, every couple has its problems, you know.
Micky: They call me El Dolenzio, also known as the Bandit Without A Soul!
Mike: And they call me El Nesmitho, also known as the Bandit Without No… Wi-without Any Conscience.
Peter: And they call me El Torko, the Bandit uh—Without A Nickname.Peter: Buenos dis, el guardo. Ah, yo guardero el prisonero… ah party-o…
Bandit: Yes, yes…
Peter: El Diablo, uh, lots of food, there’s a party, fiesta, lots of carryin’-ons, over the hill.
Bandit: Yes?
Peter: …Booze.
Bandit: Ohh!
Davy: Oh no, oh no Mr. Bandit, please, I didn’t mean it, honestly, it was a joke, honestly.
Peter: Davy, it’s me, Peter.
Davy: Peter who?
Peter: Peter Tork.
Davy: Oh Peter!
Peter: Davy!
Davy: Peter!
Peter: Davy!
Davy: Peter!
Peter: How do you untie a square knot?
Davy: Square knot… let me see… um, oh yeah, you know the knot, well there’s a loop underneath it… Peter, my finger, don’t pull on my finger, will ya? [Davy continues to explain]
Davy: The one that’s criss-crossed like a figure—well, you kn—an eight, an eight… it’s like, it’s shaped like this
[Davy draws a figure eight shape in the air, then puts his hand behind the tree]
Davy: An eight! You got that? Well, anyway, you take that, and you take the loose end…
[Mike and Micky arrive]
Peter: Mr. Bandit, please don’t!
Micky: Don’t what? It’s Mike and… I mean, it’s Micky and Mike.
Peter: Micky and Mike who?
Micky: “Micky and Mike who?!”
Mike: What do you mean “Micky and Mike who?”, what do you say “Micky and Mike who?” for?
Peter: Well, Davy did it to me.
Mike: Look man, you’ve been challenged! What are you gonna do?
Micky: What am I gonna do? Micky Dolenz in a challenge… what do you think I’ll do?
Mike: You’re gonna split!
Micky: Right!
The Picture Frame
Micky: Hey Pete! Hey, you missed the big hold-up scene!
Peter: I know man, I went to Stage 1 at 2:00 instead of Stage 2 at 1:00.
Sergeant: Alright Monkees, come on out, we know you’re in there.
Micky: Hey, what do they want us for?
Peter: Oh, that library book—it’s a week overdue!
[watching the hidden camera tape from the bank]
Davy: I thought this was gonna be in colour!
Micky: If I’da known this was gonna be in black and white, I wouldn’ta done it.
Micky: I’m glad you cut out the part where I tripped, ’cause that wasn’t a very good scene at all.
Davy: We were shootin’ a movie, some cat came up and said ’you wanna shoot a movie?’, said yeah, we shoot a movie. So we shot a movie.
Mike: Well, well, y’see, see, it’s like I told ya, but we thought we were, we were doin’ a movie.
Sergeant: Still stickin’ to that story, huh? Well, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll change your tune.
[Mike plays the harmonica]
Mike [in a high voice]: Well, it’s like I told ya, we were doin’ a movie.
Davy: Even Peter thinks we’re guilty.
Peter: I don’t think you’re guilty, I just don’t see how you could possibly be innocent!
Everywhere a Sheik, Sheik
Davy: Tell me, has the princess ever had a crush on anyone before?
Shazar: Yes, there was a boy like you once. She loved him, but he rejected her.
Davy: Oh, does she still see him?
Shazar: Oh yes, she visits him every week and puts a wreath on his grave.
Davy: This king kidnapped me and he wants me to marry his daughter!
Micky: Nice looking?
Davy: Well, you know he’s not bad--
Micky: No, no, the daughter.
[King Hassar Yaduin brings in a model of a temple]
Davy: What’s that, what’s that?
King Hassar Yaduin : This is where you would live.
Mike: That’s a little small, isn’t it?
[Shazar takes a bite of the food]
Peter: How is it?
Shazar: It’s… poisoned… and… a little rare…
Monkee Mayor
Davy: You know, you think at three in the afternoon there’d be somebody at City Hall.
Micky: Maybe they’re on their coffee break.
Peter: How long’s their coffee break?
Mike: From nine to five.
Mike: They’re gonna tear down a stadium and build a parking lot!
Micky: They’re gonna tear down a hospital to build a parking lot!
Peter: And here’s the kicker--
Monkees: They’re gonna tear down a parking lot to build a parking lot!
Peter: Hey, lookit, it’s a half a check for a hundred dollars!
Mike: It’s two halves of a hundred dollar check!
Peter: It’s a check for two hundred dollars!… It’s two checks for fifty dollars.
Art, For Monkees' Sake
Duce: What’s with the hat? The hat’s not needed!
Peter: It’s Mike’s hat. It’s knitted.
Duce: I know it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: How did you know it was knitted?
Duce: I can tell it’s knitted, but it’s not needed.
Peter: Oh, for I minute I thought you knew Mike.
Duce: What’s the most important thing for an artist?
Peter: Paint.
Mike: The modest but powering Texan needs no introduction…
Mike: That thing was almost a thousand years old!
Peter: Oh, well thank goodness it wasn’t new.
I Was a 99 Lb. Weakling
Davy: Step over that line! …step over that line! …alright, step over this line!
Bulk: Okay, now what?
Davy: Just as I thought, you’re always taking orders! Nyaaaah! [runs away]
Peter: Did somebody yell for help? Did somebody yell for help?
Brenda: No.
Peter: What do you mean, no? Look at that man’s back—it’s covered with spots!
Brenda: Uuuh! Help!
Peter: Hey, mister! Would you throw us back our ball?
Davy: [to camera] Hahahaha!
[Bulk struggles try to pick up the ball]
Bulk: Ohh! Aie! Ohh! I can hardly lift it!
Davy: [to camera] Shouldn’t think he could. Lead, you know. Ooh!
Davy: Before I came to Shah-Ku’s, I used to be 6'2". And then, uh, it put so much weight on my shoulders that it squashed me!
Hillbilly Honeymoon
Micky: Safe at last!
Ella Mae Chubber: I knew you’d come!
Micky: But I’m not the one!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Davy!
Micky: But I’m Micky!
Ella Mae Chubber: I love ya, Micky!
[Ella Mae kisses Micky]
Micky: Well, I tried.
Paw Chubber: Well I don’t care who it is, Ella Mae’s gotta get married, because tomorrow she’ll be sixteen years old and I don’t want nobody calling her old maid.
Peter: Hey look, where’s Davy?
Paw Chubber: Judd Weskitt took him up to his cabin at gun point. But I wouldn’t fret none about him.
Peter: Oh, how come?
Paw Chubber: Because he’s probably dead by now.
Paw Chubber: Hold it! You two wasn’t thinking on runnin’ out on me was ya?
Mike: What, and leave our buddy Peter here?
Micky: It’s a thought!
Peter: Micky!
Paw Chubber: Now, of his own free will, repeat after me: Ella Mae, honey.
Davy: Ella Mae, honey.
Paw Chubber: I wanna…
Davy: I wanna…
Paw Chubber: Go ahead, go ahead!
Davy:I wanna… I… I wanna be freeeee… free! Free! Like the blue blue biiiirds!
Paw Chubber: Anybody who sings like that deserves to die!
Paw Chubber: Say it! “Will you marry me?”
Davy: Will you marry me?
Mike: Ten million chicks madly in love with him and he’s gonna marry an old man.
Micky: Where’s Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Over there!
Mike: Where’s Jud?
Maw Weskitt: Same place!
Davy: Knock knock.
Mike: Who’s there?
Davy: Wa.
Mike: Wa who?
Davy: That’s right, wahoo.
Monkees Marooned
Micky: A treasure map! That’s one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done, Pete.
Peter: That’s not fair, Micky.
Davy: Uh, that’s not true, Micky. He’s done dumber things than that, I know ’im.
Peter: Thanks, man.
Davy: If we hurry, men, we can destroy the British at Trenton!
Micky: Davy, you are British.
Davy: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Davy: No, that wasn’t a rifle shot, man! That, this is a deserted island. It was probably a car backfiring or something.
Micky: Wait! Our footprints! Great Scott, that means we’re lost! We’ve been going around in circles!
Davy: Ah, Micky, Micky, it’s a small set, man, we have to use the same place, you know, different bushes, trees…
Thursday: Relax, men. I’ve defected.
Peter: I’d see a doctor about that.
Mike: That’s not… that’s not what “de-defected” means…
Peter: Yes it is.
Card Carrying Red Shoes
Davy: Uh, now let’s understand this. You mean you’re gonna shoot us, and keep ’im because of ’is face?
[Natasha nods]
Davy: Well whaddaya think this is, chopped liver?
Peter: Well it can’t be you every week, Davy.
Micky: Now, now look miss. You know, guns really never solved anything. They’re not the solution to the problem, they’re only a coward’s way out. Wouldn’t you rather talk it over instead of hiding behind a gun? Now, why don’t you give it to me?
[Natasha hands over the gun]
Micky: All right, hands up! You’re takin’ orders from me!
Davy: No! Please!
Micky: Not you, dingaling!
Micky: Shut up, face!
Natasha Pavlova: They said they will make him talk!
Micky: Talk? Never! They can tourture ’em, beat ’em, drug ’em… he’ll never talk. There’s only one torture he can’t withstand though, I pray they don’t use that.
Natasha Pavlova: What’s that?
Micky: The direct question.
The Wild Monkees
Mike: Where did you get that water?
Peter: From the car, like Micky said.
Mike: Where in the car?
Peter: …from the radiator?
Davy: Oh, Micky, don’t worry. Listen, it’s a good job he didn’t get it from the petrol tank--
Peter: That’s what I meant, the petrol tank!
Mike: Where’re you going?
Davy: I’m go-going to the kitchen to get something to eat.
Mike: Yeah, but the kitchen’s that way.
Davy: Yeah, but the one back at the pad isn’t, it’s that way!
Micky: It says here in the script--
Mike: Handbook!
Micky: —handbook.
Davy: For initiation, we kill our new members!
Mike: Now, now Butch… now look here Butch… you can’t… you can’t keep pushing me like this, Butch. You’re gonna get, uh, too far with it here in a minute… and I’m not going any farther!
Butch: How come?
Mike: Well, because I can’t get over this desk.
Peter: No more room!
Mike: Order, order, can I have some order please?
Davy: Uh, bagel with cream cheese and a cream soda…
Mike: Not that.
Peter: Don’t do that.
Davy: Oh, excuse me.
A Coffin Too Frequent
Davy: Hey, I’d didn’t know you could read.
Peter: I’ve been able to read since I was fifteen years old.
Henry Weatherspoon: I told you, I am a scientist.
Micky: A mad scientist?
Henry Weatherspoon: No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks!
Peter: I know why everybody joins hands at a seance.
Davy: To make sure they have contact?
Peter: No, ’cause they’re scared silly.
Hitting the High Seas
Harry Hooker: Reynolds!
Frank Reynolds: Here!
Harry Hooker: Dolenz!
Micky: Here, sir.
Harry Hooker: Tork.
[Micky and Davy begin talking]
Harry Hooker: Shut up!
Davy: But you said we could talk!
Harry Hooker: Shut! Up!
Captain: Take him to the galley!
Davy: Oh please! Not the galley! Oh the galley! No please, don’t hang me! Don’t hang me!
Micky: No no no, not the gallows, the galley!
Davy: Oh. You had me worried for a minute there. Heh heh.
Micky: Captain Hornblower man, groovy, sock it to me. Yeah.
Peter: When I insight, I insight.
Peter: We said “single handed mutinies never work, stranger”!
Captain: “Stranger”? I thought you came aboard with him!
Davy: Him? Nah! We’ve never seen him before! We wouldn’t hang around with long haired weirdoes like that, would we?
Peter: Dirty Commie!
Davy: Yea!
Monkees in Texas
Peter: BANG! BANG BANG BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Davy: What is this “bang bang bang” stuff?
Peter: Well, I hate violence. Besides, I have more shells than you. BANG BANG BANG!
Black Bart: Have you had enough, nestors?
Mike: The name is NESMITH, and if you’re gonna scream it out here in the middle of the war, get it right! That’s NESMITH!
Peter: I thought Mike’s name was Nestor.
Mike: N-E-P-K-Y-O-R-J-B--
Aunt Kate Nesmith: No, “nestor” means “farmer”, he’s right, he means “nestors”!
Mike: Ohh. Oh, hey, I’m sorry, ah, I didn’t realize, you know, and it seems like you were right in the first place, so go ahead with your speech!
Mike: I’m afraid I don’t know this lady here… oh my…
Aunt Kate Nesmith: Don’t you remember your baby cousin Lucy?
Mike: Huh? Lu--Lucy! Are you Lu—well, what, well, whatever happened to the, the buck teeth the knobby kneed, uh, string haired, bad complexion, little girl that I used to hang around with?
Aunt Kate Nesmith: That’s your other cousin, Clara. She still looks the same.
Mike: Oh merciful heavens.
[Peter is dressed as an Indian]
Peter: Hey Micky, how come I have to wear all this?
Micky: ’Cause Aunt Kate said they don’t like strangers in town. Besides, you look very psychedelic.
Peter: Oh, heh heh. [said like an Indian] How!
Micky: Well, it’s the peace symbol and the beads mostly. Come on, let’s go.
The Marshall: Oh, I can’t come this afternoon, I’m busy shooting.
Micky: Oh, outlaws?
The Marshall: My TV series.
Ben Cartwheel: Water my horse, will you son?
Davy: Water your horse? I’m not a stable boy!
Ben Cartwheel: I don’t care about your mental condition, water my horse!
[woman approaches Micky when he walks into the bar]
Micky: Not now, this is a family show! Yeesh!
Aunt Kate Nesmith: Ben Cartwheel’s the kindest millionaire in the whole valley. He wouldn’t hurt a fly!
Micky: Flies, no, but if you’re a human, he’ll kill ya!
Monkees on the Wheel
Peter: [with a British accent] You must be joking!
Davy: That’s my line!
Peter: [with a British accent] I’m sorry.
Davy: You must be joking!
Guy: Take this Wizard Glick!
Mike: Ooh! Guh! …who?
Guy: Wizard Glick.
Mike: Man, I’m not Wizard Glick.
Guy: Oh you’re not? Oh, sorry… [walks away]
Mike: No, I’m not Wizard…
The Christmas Show
Butler: There must be some mistake, we were expecting four gentlemen.
Mike: Would you accept four ladies who shave?
[Peter rides in on a bike]
Salesgirl: Where’d he come from?
Davy: Through the studio gates and right on the set here.
Doctor: Uh, that’ll be twenty dollars.
Davy: Twenty dollars?
Doctor: Well, since it’s the Christmas holiday… make it $19.95.
Davy: Ah, well that’s a much better deal, that is, isn’t it?
Micky: How come I’m all clean and you’re all dirty?
Davy: Don’t you mean how come you’re all dirty and I’m all clean?
Micky: Yeah!
Davy: Well you see, you’re always on about me being little teeny tiny weenie little David, y’see, so I figured I’d come down the middle of the chimney and avoid the sides, y’see?
Fairy Tale
Mike: Ooh! Wow! What a great lookin’ chick!
Peter: She’s beautiful.
Princess Gwen: Harold, get me outta the mud, will ya please!?
Mike: She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on! Look at those sideburns and that body!
Princess Gwen: HAROLD, YOU BETTER GET THIS CARRIAGE OUTTA THE MUD!
Princess Gwen: Shut up or I'll have you paved.
Princess Gwen: Yes, I'm hip. But wear it anyway, it looks good on you.
Fairy of the Locket: Who called the Fairy of the Locket?
Peter: Locket? Uh, I guess I did.
Fairy of the Locket: Well call back later, I was having my hair done. Bye.
Fairy of the Locket: But remember, you must not drop, or crush, or lose the locket.
Micky: Ah, ’cause it’ll lose it’s magic, right.
Mike: Way to go, Mick!
Fairy of the Locket: No, ’cause I’ll be killed, stupid, it’s my home!
Peter: Why me? Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and save the princess? I don’t even like her anymore!
Mike: Don’t even like her? Man, that’s the grooviest lookin’ chick I ever saw!
Goldilocks: Oh, don’t worry, nothing can happen to me.
Peter: How come?
Goldilocks: ’Cause I’m a mean little girl!
Micky: We’ll split up, go in three separate directions, leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever you go, and we’ll follow them back.
Mike: What if the birds eat the crumbs?
Micky: Follow the birds.
Mike: Hey, good thinking!
Princess Gwen: Waita minute you dingbat, who’s gonna feed the goldfish?
Princess Gwen: Defending my honor, isn't that groovy? A bunch of long haired weirdos and some vicious people.
Monkees Watch Their Feet
Davy: Micky, I thought you were putting your clothes on!
Micky: Yeah, I did put my clothes on! But my clothes took off! Could it be my clothes are putting me on?
Davy: Hey Micky, isn’t that a spaceship over there?
The Secretary: Notice the powerfully persuasive argument of the alien.
Micky: What does a spaceship look like?
Davy: Well, I dunno, I never saw one before.
Micky: Then how do you know it is a spaceship?
Peter: He’s right, man, it’s probably some new drive-in.
Micky: They also have insufferable tortures here on earth. [phone rings] Whenever a pussycat cries, they tear off its head, then they holler in its ear, and then they put the head back on the body, I don’t know how it stays alive!
Davy: Micky, what’re you doing?
Micky: I’m going to dispose of all of you.
Peter: Oh, that’s good. For a minute I thought he was trying to get rid of us.
Micky: Micky is in the spaceship. They are questioning him before we invade.
Peter: Oh, well they won’t find out much from Micky.
Micky: Why not?
Peter: Well, he doesn’t know too much.
Monstrous Monkee Mash
Davy: What a kiss! I’ve never felt this way before!
Loreli: You fool! It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace!
Davy: What a necklace! I’ve never felt this way before!
Count Dracula: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On second thought, no!
Mike: Now wait a minute, uh, we’re friends of Davy Jones.
Loreli: Won’t you come in?
Micky: On third thought, yes!
Mike: This is a book here that tells you how to be a vampire.
Micky: Me be a vampire? I don’t wanna be a vampire! Why does it tell me to be a vampire, Mike? Why?
Mike: It’s not you, it’s everybody.
Loreli: What do you want, Wolfman, what do you want?
Davy: He wants a better percentage of the profits, he wants cookouts on the weekends, and… he wants to play his own music!
Micky: You oughta get a hair cut, they won’t let you in Disneyland.
Mike: Here I am, Mummy Man!
Count Dracula: You are the Mummy Man?
Mike: Watch this… MUMMY!
Wolfman: [scared noises]
The Monkees Paw
Mendrek (Micky): I came all this way to, to, to find The High Llama. Where is he?
The Regular Llama (Mike): Oh, well, I’m afraid you’re out of luck. He’s out back, sleepin’ it off.
Mike: Oh, Micky, come on. You can talk, there’s nothin’ wrong with your voice.
Peter: Are you kidding? Have you ever heard him sing?
Mike: No, man, he can’t come… Well, I don’t care who you are, he uh, he can’t come… Well, because he don’t like barbeque, I guess… I don’t know… hoo, what a pushy guy.
Davy: Ah, it’s no good, he, he won’t be able to sing tonight. He can’t even say “pencil”!
Mike: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the fact that this is a crayon?
Micky: Now “crayon” I can say!
The Devil and Peter Tork
Mike: Oh, I remember reading in the paper where, because, due to lack of interest, tomorrow was cancelled.
Micky: Your honour! I insist that the, uh, prosecution call another witness!
Judge: On what grounds?
Micky: On the uh, on the grounds that umm, the television show’s not over, and we have to have one more. Heh.
Monkees Race Again
Peter: You know, your pitch is lousy, but you have a pretty good voice. If we don’t find Micky, would you like to join our group?
Mike: What is this gun thing?
Wolfgang: Well, now, now just a minute, we’ve got to have the gun, after all, it’s a prop, ahah!
Mike: That’s horrible, man…
Peter: Put that away!
Mike: It’s bad enough that you’re with a uniform and everything…
Peter: And all the guns on television and everything… it’s bad enough we have a tuning fork!
Micky: You flew all the way to Hollywood for this part?
Monkees Mind Their Manor
Mike: Now look, you’ll be just fine as long as you remember everything that I taught you.
Davy: But you didn’t teach me anything!
Mike: Well then, fake it!
Some Like it Lukewarm
Micky: He likes you.
Peter: All you have to do is go out with him and we’re a cinch to win!
Mike: Yeah, as a matter of fact, if you let him kiss you, you might own a television station!
Davy: One more remark like that and I’ll hit you with me purse.
Daphne: …and you’re only wearing one shoe!
Davy: Well, that’s what happens when you get dressed in the dark! Ha!
Monkees Blow Their Minds
Oracula: Eh, Mr. Tork, why don’t you join me in a cup of tea?
Peter: Do you think we’ll both fit?
Micky: Uh, well, bye, Pete. Later, Pete. Listen, don’t forget to write, Pete. And uh, remember, the door’s always open to ya, Pete, uh, you can come home to the pad and all your friends, but write first ’cause we’re renting your room!
Oraculo: Now, I want you to free your mind of all thought… good, now, uh, how do you feel?
Mike: Umm, oh, uh, thoughtless.
Oraculo: You fool! That’s not the way to the door!
Peter: Well, what do you expect from a psychic slave?
Mijacogeo (The Frodis Caper)
Micky: Wait, that’s not a test pattern, it was unbelievable!
Mike: You’re tellin’ me it was unbelievable? And you think that was somethin’, you oughta see what happens after the commercial!
Davy: Nyles! Oh no! Has the TV got you too?
Nyles: What TV? Man, I’m always like this…
Micky: No, no, it’s a chant I learned when I sent in a cereal box top!
Micky: It’s working… it’s working…
Mike: How do you know…? How do you know…?
Micky: I saw the last scene… I saw the last scene…